This has become a daily ritual. I evaluate the previous day’s events and sew a colored layer that corresponds to my emotional reaction. Some days I dread beginning my day sewing because of the increased monotony. I enjoyed it during the first 2 weeks but moving on into the 4th week seems like time is going in slow motion.
I think my sore and callused fingers reflect the difficulty to face the affects of daily life with in one’s relationship. It is as if I am turning hidden emotional reactions into physical pain because of my novice sewing skills. Other times the ritual is soothing with the methodical process of sewing. With this performance, I am turning my reactions into a physical and visual response with each day. I continue to maintain some semblance of regularity (and sanity) in my routine with daily sewing and in my composure in the portrait sessions.
The process does take effort. But I’m not sure the effort is effective as the suit continues to add weight and becomes increasingly difficulty to move in. Some have asked me: When does the healing process begin? Why don’t you remove some layers after time? Perhaps remove negative layers after X amount of positive layers? This all makes sense to someone who would be intensely aware of the situation she is in and how much certain events have effected her. Speaking from my own experiences, days of positive interaction does not necessarily erase intensely negative interactions. The suit asks how negative does something have to be for it to have a lasting effect? How does ignoring an incident effect someone over time? How do you erase those layers when they’ve been muddied with time and disregarded? What is the breaking point?
In this performance, I am predicting that after the 6th week the suit will look incredibly distorted and I will barely be able to move in it. My composure will be increasingly difficult to maintain. But, for this piece, I have to keep moving forward until I have completed 56 days. 56 days marks my breaking point where I choose to no longer maintain a non-sustainable way of being. This performance is illustrative of a process I must endure completely to fully understand the effects. After this point is when one can attempt to work towards healing.